


Forgetting is like Breathing Out with No Intentions of Breathing Back In

by Loki_Anansi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Peter Parker Feels, Trans Peter Parker, mention of Mj cause I couldn't help myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23130109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Anansi/pseuds/Loki_Anansi
Summary: I’m saying your name in the grocery store, I’m saying your name on the bridge at dawn.-Richard SikenRead the Tags Please, its just one thing but I really don't wanna hurt anyone
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Morgan Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe), Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Forgetting is like Breathing Out with No Intentions of Breathing Back In

**Author's Note:**

> I’m saying your name in the grocery store, I’m saying your name on the bridge at dawn.  
> -Richard Siken
> 
> Read the Tags Please, its just one thing but I really don't wanna hurt anyone

Sometimes Peter forgets, his mind folding back the memories of ruin & _hurt everything hurts ImSorryMrStark_

-and suddenly for one moment, for one singular second, his world is filled with happiness once more.

**The weight of the world is off his shoulders and Atlas smiles once more**

But then:

Peter laughs and looks to his side, ready to explain the text that Shuri sent him when he notices the space next to him is empty. "Mr.Stark? Where-"

The memories hit him all at once

Makes him forget where he is

Makes the air inside his body freeze at the agony bursting free inside him

_ItsColdEverythingHurtsMrStark-_

The panic and pain crowd Peter, reconstructs the air around him, leaving him gasping and doubled over. It sends Peter scrambling, phone dropping from suddenly cold fingers as he tries to find a hold in this tilting world. His chest hurts, his heart hurts, and suddenly Peter thinks his lungs are going to explode if he doesn't _start breathing right now._ Peter falls off the couch and hits his head, the pain intertwining with the agony that _Mr.Stark isn't here anymore._

**Tony's gone and Peter lost a father again**

His vision blurs and Peter can only hear the sound of his panicked breathing. He's spiraling again and he can't stop it. He misses Tony, wants him here to comfort him and tell him words of assurance and help him weather out this attack against himself.

"Peter? Peter! What's wrong, is it your binder? Friday, turn on his audio and set the room to a higher temperature."

"Already on it Miss P."

In the back of his head, Peter can hear Pepper coming closer and closer to him, murmuring words of comfort and assurance. The shock of her touch makes Peter gasp and flinch back to the sofa before her words reach him.

Peter reaches out to her, an island of safety against the storm of agony and panic that Peter is losing himself in. He tries to tell her what's happening, even now he doesn't want Pepper to worry about him, to give her any more problems than what she's already going through.

"Pepper, Pepper I'm sorry. Don't-don't worry about me."

She shushed him before running her fingers through his hair, the act and her touch giving Peter something to anchor himself to and calm his breathing.

"Pete breathe in with me. Do this for me: breathe with me."

He matches her breathing, syncing up and willing himself to calm down. He wants to calm down so badly right now. A sob breaks out, but Pepper doesn't stop stroking his curls but she turns his face to her chest, resting it so that all that Peter hears is her steady heartbeat.

"Repeat after me: 1. 2."

**1**

**2**

**1**

**2**

Slowly but surely Peter's breathing evens out. The panic filters slowly into nothing as his surroundings come into focus. He's in Pepper's arms, the room is warm and the sounds of Tony speaking bring Peter back to the present.

" **Look, Pete, just because I said we couldn't build lightsabers last night, doesn't mean you get to sulk and ignore me. But I get it; sometimes I wish I could ignore me too."**

His voice reminds Peter of what he lost, what everyone lost when Tony died. He wonders why it affects him so much even after its been months and months since his death.

"Hey Pete. Welcome back, you going to be alright? Does Friday need to call Mj? "

It takes a moment before Peter can respond, his voice raspy to all hell. "I'm gonna be fine Pepper. It's just, I forgot." Her arms tighten around him before she hums, steady like titanium. 

"I forgot he's dead again Pep. I forgot that Tony's gone."

Pepper hums again, and Peter catches the way her breathing wavers for just a moment. Of course, he's hurting her as well. Reminders of her dead husband isn't something that she wants to hear.

_It makes his chest ache at the thought that he hurt her._

Peter goes to pull away, he's already done enough as it is. Pepper lets him sit up but stops him from getting off the floor entirely.

"Friday, stop the audio and check on Morgan for me."

"Will do Mrs."

Pepper puts her focus on Peter, making sure he's looking at her. She takes ahold of his chin and her gaze quickly flutters over to one of his always arching curls. A look stained with memories briefly clouds over her eyes.

"I forget sometimes too Pete. Makes my heart hurt when I remember that he's not here and will never see Morgan grow up."

She stops to smile at Peter through the tears that are filling her eyes, "doesn't get to see you grow up to become an incredible man that he would be proud of." Peter does all he can to stop his tears, he's already cried enough as it is.

He wants to stop crying and he wants to stop forgetting. He doesn't understand why his mind is doing this, reopening a wound just when it begins to scar over; a constant reminder that he was the one to live instead of Tony.

"I miss him Pepper. I miss him so much and it feels like I have to become him to fill the gap left behind."

Pepper wipes her tears, and Friday hums in that sad tune of hers as if to accompany their grief. "You don't have to become Tony, Peter. Just be yourself, be Spiderman and that will be more than enough."

Before he could respond, could even think about denying such a thing, Morgan comes running into the living space, not stopping until Peter stands and scoops her up in his arms. Her giggles relaxes them both, and Friday begins to regale them with tales of Morgan's adventures in her playroom. The conversation is left behind as Pepper and Peter spend the next few hours with Morgan, smiling whenever she does something that particularly reminds them of Tony; her frown when trying to solve something, the brightness in her eyes when she finally gets a question right.

_It's not all there, not in the right ways at least, but its Morgan and that's the reason why it makes the two so happy_

Peter remembers Pepper's words whenever he feels like the world is pushing him down and Tony's absence rings louder and louder, like an echo that won't stop ringing no matter how hard he tries to go on.

Peter still misses him sometimes 

And the agony never leaves

**Author's Note:**

> a little gen fic pitstop before I dive back into Ironstrange fics once more
> 
> as always, let me know if there are any typos and such!!


End file.
